Why men want to feel needed and women need to feel wanted?

As a twice-divorcee (How did I get so lucky?) and mother of four boys, I often ponder this question, and I am eager to hear a male point of view.

I was leisurely reading on Medium when I stumbled upon this story — a male perspective on feeling needed.

The article was interesting, but the comments drove it home ( I love reading those!). One specific comment hit me like a bullet.

One woman answered, “I’d rather be wanted.” (I’m paraphrasing because I can’t find the comment.)

To which I answered, “Me too. But we are women, and it seems ( from this article) that men are saying they want to be needed.” ( Again, I’m paraphrasing.)

Aha! The light bulb went on.

Men want to feel needed, and women need to feel wanted.

I started thinking and contemplating why humans developed those two intrinsic needs.

By the way, there is another essential need both men and women have, and I wrote about it here.

I will attempt to answer the question from four different perspectives.

What follows is my hypothesis. Call me crazy, or call me a genius. I would much prefer the latter.

Religion

Disclaimer: Religion is often a controversial and complex topic. Here, I present my thoughts based on years of studying the Bible. I do not claim to hold the absolute truth on all things biblical.

The three main world religions are sternly based on the Bible. So that is where I am going.

In Genesis, the Bible relates how God created man and woman, Adam and Eve.

I hope this doesn’t disappoint you, but there was no equality between the sexes in our creation.

How was Man and Woman Created?

God sculpted the shape of a man from the earth and instilled in him a divine soul. Once Adam was up and running, he saw that all the other species (created before him) had a partner.

Adam felt alone and asked God for a partner.

Is loneliness the first emotion felt by man? It is hard to know, but that would explain our intrinsic need for connection and belonging.

Eve was created because Adam needed a companion. We, as women, were needed from the day we were made. Now, we want to feel wanted.

Adam, on the other hand, was created from earth. Being a God-made sculpture aside, Adam is made from the ground.

Although all life grows and depends on the earth, the ground represents a lowly existence. We walk on the ground; we step all over it.

The ground we step on could be the most valuable piece of real estate if needed.

An arid field is not needed; therefore, it has no value.

A fertile land is much needed, and it will be worth millions.

A city in high demand(i.e., lots of people must live or work there), it’s prime real estate, and the prices skyrocket yearly.

If it is a city you have never heard of, I could bet money that real estate there is very affordable.

In a man’s view, need equals value.

A man wants to feel needed so he can feel valued and significant.

A woman was created out of a need.

From a woman’s perspective, need equals obligation and responsibility.

Women need to feel wanted, desired, and cherished.

Evolution

According to the Evolution theory, humans undergo natural selection, where only the fittest survive harsh conditions and can pass on their genes to the next generation.

In that context, males were highly needed to ensure survival. They were the ones hunting and protecting the tribe.

Although females ensured the reproduction of that “fittest gene” and contributed to collective survival, they had to rely on being wanted and desired to secure a spot under a protective male.

If being needed and wanted got us through Evolution, our psyches hold on to it for dear life. Thus, men still want to feel needed, and women still need to feel wanted.

Would Charles Darwin agree with me?

History

Historically, all the vital aspects of life were dependent on men.

Men fought the wars. ( I would venture to say they also caused it, but that is a story for another day).

Men plowed the fields.

They built cities, bridges, and fortresses.

Men were the governors, judges, doctors, teachers, and merchants; men negotiated agreements with other men and went to work in the factories.

Although the absolute pillar of their homes, women adopted peripheral roles in the public arena.

But that only made them more desirable. They weren’t everywhere. A woman was to be seduced. They became muses and legends.

A man may ask permission to accompany a woman, and a dowry was given to the bride’s family. ( Yes, you read that right; that was how it was done until before the Ancient Roman period).

Men were needed to ensure the proper function of society ( as it functioned at the time), and women were wanted and charmed by men, establishing their place in the family and society.

These two essential traits—to be needed and to be wanted—have stood the test of time and are as relevant today as ever.

Culture

Looking through the lens of our culture, we turned the need vs want dilemma on its head.

As women work in high-paying jobs, enter many male-dominated fields, and have access to education, they become financially independent. Modern advancements in reproductive technology further exclude the male as a partner in bringing life into the world( after extracting his seminal fluid, that is).

Countless variations of messages like You don’t need a man are all over social media.

Men see such messages and hear them clearly: We are not needed, we are not valued. But they come and tell us, please need us, we want to serve you.

At the same time, women are craving attention. They are dancing on TikTok, showing off their outfit and makeup applications on Instagram, and hundreds of selfies on bathroom mirrors says it all.

They are screaming, Look at me, Choose me, Like me, Want me.

I am not saying any of this is wrong, nor do I want to hear, But men are bla bla bla, and women are bla bla bla…

All I am saying is that men want to be needed, and women need to be wanted.

Now, as ever before.