Did you know there are natural ways to foster development to improve and ultimately heal ADD?
I had no idea it was possible until I read Dr. Gabor Mate’s book, Scattered Minds.
Talk about an Aha! moment on steroids.
If you have children, plan to have children, teach or talk to children, or are an adult struggling or dealing with a child or another adult struggling (I think I included the entire human race), I cannot recommend this book enough.
But if you are not going to read a whole book on healing ADD, I have you covered with what I found to be the most foundational part of the entire book—5 principles to heal ADD in children.
Those principles are foundational and critically important in parenting any child and totally crucial when parenting an ADD child.
Principle 1 – the parent is responsible for the relationship with his child.
The parent actively purposely seeks the child’s company.
Which means, as a parent, you would:
- Think of things to do together and do them.
- Hang out with your child.
- Make space and time in your life for your child.
- Be present.
- Give your child attention when they are not asking for it.
- When your child expresses a need for attention, respond to it with more enthusiasm and excitement than the child would expect.
“Being wanted and enjoyed is the greatest gift the child can receive.” – Dr. Gabor Mate
Why does this work?
Children who suffer from ADD ( and lots of other people in the planet), also feel deeply insecure about themselves.
What follows is that the child demands time and attention incessantly, leaving the parent exhausted.
No matter how much attention the parent gives, the child is never satisfied. In his heart, the child feels that he receives attention just because he is demanding it.
When the parent offers time and attention without being asked, the child feels accepted and unconditionally seen and loved.
Once the parent fulfils the emotional need causing the demands for attention, the child will stop demanding it, and both parent and child can enjoy a close and satisfying bond.
Principle 2 – the parent avoids criticism at all costs
As a parent, you would:
- Avoid pointing at your child’s faults and mistakes
- Avoid judgment and criticism
Why does this work?
The ADD child (and many others) feels terrible shame. As a result, he will express self–abusive remarks, such as “ I’m stupid,” or he will develop a self–protective attitude and blame others for any negative interaction.
When someone is bathed in shame, he cannot handle the slightest mention of a mistake on his part.
The left hemisphere of the brain, where logical thinking occurs, does not influence the feelings of shame in the child.
Therefore, no amount of logical explanations or the most eloquent words will steer the child from self-criticism or encourage him to take responsibility for his wrongdoings.
The only way to weaken the feelings of shame in your child is by not feeding it.
Be extra mindful of your tone of voice. They should not leave the child feeling isolated, deficient or rejected.
Once the child feels accepted and secure in his relationship with the parent, he will be more open to receiving guidance and help to overcome his shortcomings.
Principle 3 – the parent does not overpraise the child
As a parent, you would:
- Avoid making your child believe that his accomplishments influence how you feel about him.
- Acknowledge warmly the child’s efforts and actions.
Why does this work?
By avoiding overpraise and focusing on what the child puts effort into and not on the results or achievements, we foster a truer sense of self–esteem that is not built on how beautiful, popular, or good in sports they are.
The child will feel unconditionally accepted and valued no matter what he produces or accomplishes.
Principle 4 – the parent does not act in anger
As a parent, you would:
- Aim for realistic expectations; don’t expect to feel calm always, and know that you will likely get angry occasionally.
- When anger arises, remove yourself from the situation to regain your cool.
- Call the other parent or trusted adult to take charge whenever possible until you feel calmer.
Why does this work?
When a child is confronted with a parent’s anger, he instantly feels disconnected from his loving parent.
The child, who already feels shame and insecurity, tends to take responsibility for the parent’s behaviour. The loss of warm contact with the parent, reaffirms his belief that he is undeserving of love and acceptance.
He may withdraw or defy the parent; both are a defence mechanism against the shame he feels.
No good can come out of an angry interaction. Learn what calms you down, ask for a time out and regain your composure until you can relate to your child again.
Principle 5 – the parent is responsible for restoring the relationship with the child
We are all humans, and sooner or later, your relationship with your child will hit some bumps in the road. When that happens, it is the parent’s responsibility to repair the relationship.
This means, you would:
- Not force your child to apologize in order to reconnect.
- Not promise to never mess up again.
- Acknowledge what had happened.
- Aim to understand how the child feels.
- Listen with empathy to what the child says about the incident, and do not justify your behaviour.
Final thoughts
The main thing I learned from Dr. Gabor Mate’s 323-page book ( and I have another 497-page book by the same author waiting on my night table) is that the path to healing (and we are all on that path, no matter what label we give ourselves) is through healthy attachments and positive relationships.
We ought to nurture warm feelings of unconditional acceptance, self–esteem, and attention in ourselves and our loved ones.
Dr. Mate’s last line is as simple as is brilliant,
“If we can actively love, there will be no attention deficit and no disorder.”
Amen to that.
