After eight years of marital strife, I separated from my husband. It was the right thing to do, except I was 28 weeks pregnant with baby number 4. Surprisingly, the pregnancy was progressing uneventfully despite the emotional roller coaster I was in.
A week later, I went to work as usual. As soon as I came home, I felt great pain and discomfort. So, naturally, I lay down, thinking that I must have been overworked, and all I need is a little rest, and everything will be alright. Once separated, I naively thought I would have more time and less stress until the baby’s arrival to sort out my thoughts and feelings about my marriage. However, things weren’t working according to my plan.
The pain intensified. Looking at my watch, I realized I had contractions every five minutes. Somehow the idea of premature labor didn’t cross my mind. It was an unfamiliar subject, “Most probably, this will never happen to me,” I used to silently think while skipping those pages whenever I read books on pregnancy and childbirth.
That night, I delivered a baby boy through a lifesaving emergency caesarian. Is he healthy? I don’t know yet. How does he look? I haven’t seen him. What happened to my body? I have no control over it; I am numb from the anesthesia and can’t even go to the washroom or put on my own socks. How do I feel? Scared and confused, my body is aching, my mind is running wild, and tears are streaming down like water.
The next ten weeks were filled with daily visits to the intensive care unit, many nurses and doctors, countless checkups and exams, some doubts and fears, and an overwhelming amount of prayers. Dear friends rushed to our side, we received hundreds of messages from all over the world, and offers of help poured in from all corners. It was unbelievably comforting, and being on the receiving end of great kindness was a truly humbling experience.
While recovering from the c-section, I tried to get over the shock, the surprise, and the unknown. I started a conversation with God. I could hear myself asking: Why? Why now? Seriously? We just separated. I need time.
Questions. Emotions. Tears.
I reached for my phone and I opened Facebook. A friend had posted these exact words:
“To believe in God is to believe in His timing.”
It was exactly what I needed at that moment. So I reread it with every fiber of my being, trying to accept the timing, stay present at the moment, and trust the journey.
My faith in God instantly transcended from a philosophical belief to a conscious conviction. I believe that every minute of my life is precisely orchestrated by a higher power. That terrifying night was the right time for this baby to come into the world. God wanted him here, at 28 weeks of gestation, right at that moment.
Despite a healthy pregnancy and no medical explanation, God was operating on his timing; his meticulous plan became my new reality.
From that moment on, the question shifted from “Why now” to “What now”. What do I need to do at this very moment? What part am I playing in this mysterious plan?
If you ask the right questions, you will receive the proper answers.
To see new horizons and deviate from the carefully crafted paths we envisioned in our minds is to surrender to the personalized divine blueprint for our own life. To trust the creator of time means you are never a second earlier and never a minute too late. You are always absolutely on time.
Right now is the right time for you to be wherever you are. And from here, you move on.
This mindset brought peace to my soul, allowing me to surrender and embrace my new reality as a single mother of three young children and a premature newborn baby.
Whenever things don’t happen when I want them to, I remember to ask myself, “What do I do now? How can I be an active partner in this master plan? I shift from passivity and despair to proactivity and empowerment.
What thoughts bring you peace and acceptance and inspire you to take action?
Comments 3
Hi Chany, your words are so powerful. Thank you for sharing. When i was going through difficult times a friend of mine told me something similar she said I’m in this moment because that is gds plan. Now i have to get through today one step at a time. Focus on one thing and the rest will work out somehow. Asking for help when needed is also important and taking time to breath and do some self care is another. Believing in hashem and accepting all that he has given me so far the good and the bad. It’s all in his plan. She also told me I’m not alone in my struggles everyone is going through hard times. We just can’t let them get us down. We need to move forward in a positive direction believing that Heshem is the one planning out our trip while we are driving.
You are such an amazing person I’m honored to have been a small part in your journey to who you are now. Even if it was just being the morah of 2 of your boys. It was an experience i will never forget.
Kolhackovod to you, hugs, you are such an important part in this world.
Hi Stephanie,
Thank you for your beautiful feedback. You are so right about the things you said. May we feel Gd’s guiding us everyday of our lives, through the good dayd and the less good days.
It was our honor to have you as my sons teachers. We only have good memories.
Love,
Chany